The Soulmate Search
From as long ago as I can remember – until fairly recently in fact – I had an idea that seemed like a perfectly natural and fixed part of me, an idea that I could only be truly happy when I’d found my one true soul mate, fallen happily in love, married and was living happily ever after.
Since I haven’t yet found that “one true soul mate”, you can perhaps imagine I spent a good deal of the first 50 years of my life desperately searching for “the one”; feeling disappointed and “less than” whenever I was on my own, or unhappy in a relationship (especially when both my marriages fell apart before they’d really begun).
At the same time I was convinced I wasn’t ever truly happy (even when I patently was quite often) because I couldn’t be truly happy until I was in my perfect relationship!
I knew from the moment I qualified as a medical doctor that a huge chunk of our essential medical education had been missed. There was almost no mention about the importance of either relationships or emotions as important contributors to both physical and mental health, never mind sexual health and I had no idea how I was going to address that glaring hole.
Some 5 years of hospital doctoring and several relationship disasters later, my life took an entirely different direction, when I came across, and started training in, a speciality I’d never heard of before, Psychosexual Medicine.
It seemed I’d finally found a way to understand and resolve all sexual and relationship difficulties, both for my patients and of course for myself!
However, just as I completed the four year advanced training and was setting up a dedicated hospital based psychosexual practice, my first husband left me!
Despite my years of training I had absolutely no idea what I could have done differently, or how to deal with the torrent of emotions I experienced, ranging from anger and desolation, to hysteria and even suicidal thoughts. Interspersed I might add with moments of great joy, laughter and even peace, which I found even more confusing ... how could I have even a moment of happiness, when I was so upset and “depressed”?
It occurred to me I still had a lot more to learn. So I started with conventional psychotherapy training. But after 2 years of that I still had no clue what had gone wrong in my marriage or in any of my relationships. So I set out on what became a 20 year quest, reading just about every self-help book ever written and training in hypnotherapy, NLP, EFT tapping, energy healing and every other modality I could find, in an attempt to discover the real key to my own and other people’s life and relationship struggles.
I continued to work as a somewhat alternative family doctor and as a sexual and relationship therapist.
Many of the people who came for help experienced wonderful breakthroughs, physically and emotionally, in as little as one or two sessions. Yet there were others, who like me, seemed to be make little if any progress, despite our best efforts.
And I still had no idea what the difference was, or what worked and what didn’t.
Eventually, after my second divorce and several more unsuccessful relationships, I found myself burned out and feeling a fraud. I knew I still didn’t have the answers I’d been searching for all those years. So I retired from my medical and my therapy practices!
Another 5 years passed and despite some difficult circumstances I continued to do my best to “think positive” and look for the best in life in every moment. Then suddenly I was thrown into a situation where it wasn’t easy to do either.
My mother told me the skin tumours she’d originally been told were terminal, but that had shrunk away while she used alternative therapies I’d found for her, had now started to reappear.
In that moment my mind went through a turmoil of thought about how I must find another cure, how I couldn’t let my parents suffer and how it was up to me to sort this out. In addition I had thoughts telling me I must think “positive” or I would cause her more damage.
But then, behind all that noise, quietly and strongly, I heard a voice tell me calmly to get into my camper van, drive to a peaceful spot on the cliffs, look out at the sea and ask for guidance.
When I did just that, sat quietly and asked for guidance I had an experience that changed my life for ever.
It’s difficult to describe what happened, but out of nowhere, I absolutely knew my parents were not my responsibility, even though I'd felt responsible for them all my life till then. I knew that the power behind all of life was in control and that I could have no influence on what was my parent’s journey.
Though I could support and love my parents, I could also simply ignore all other mind chatter; not try to stop thoughts or feelings, just let everything be the way it was and make the most of life in every moment.
Not only did this make a huge difference to my own peace of mind, it transformed my relationship with my parents and allowed me to nurse my mother through the last few months of her life at home, with love, rather than in a state of anxiety or trying to think positive, which I now knew wasn’t necessary.
Over the next months and years I came across many books and speakers I hadn’t found before, who spoke about this same understanding in different ways and my experience of it deepened and became more and more fun.
As for relationships, first it became so obvious to me that the idea I’d been taking so seriously all those years was simply an idea I could ignore and that I don’t “need” to be in a relationship to be happy. That explained so much of my past experience and the experiences of the people who’d come to me for help.
At the same time it became more and more clear that whenever I am in a relationship it is always the right one to be in at that moment, that love is beautiful and fun and that intimacy can be a powerful way to experience who and what I truly am – not half of a couple – but oneness itself, experiencing the humanity game.
Now I live and share life, experience, relationships and intimacy in a totally different, more powerful and far simpler way.
If you’d like to make love for life now too …
First, don’t believe a word I say, or what anyone else tells you for that matter, but always check out what you notice for yourself.
Second you might consider the possibility that all the spiritual teachers of all time have been right all along - telling us that “God” or “Spirit” is actually the infinite formlessness, in which everything that appears in form is created and experienced.
And that ... this one infinite formless “Spirit” (which of course no words can actually describe) is not outside us, but is living through all the billions of human bodies and minds appearing in form.
So that what appears to be individual human experience is simply a very powerful illusion.
Third you might notice ... that all thought we’ve been taught to take so seriously, is of course also created in and from the same infinite formlessness we are part of and have no control over.
So we have no control over how or when thought appears or what form it takes. And, like everything in form, every thought is transitory, powerless and can safely be ignored, even (and especially) when the human experience seems convincingly real.
And fourth, one of the most beautiful things I’ve noticed is that the human experience of relationships, intimacy and sex can be so much more interesting, deeper and fabulously fun, when all thought is simply ignored and our true infinite nature is experienced again, either through this one body, or in loving, intimate connection with another human body!
Knowing there is only one of us here; one infinitely perfect formless “Spirit”, it is far easier to remember there is nothing that can go wrong, there is nothing to judge, nothing to prove or to find, no need to be different or to try harder and no need to have a “soul mate” to be happy.
At the same time there are some great ways of playing and making the most of this human game, especially around relationships and intimacy, if you’re interested!